Raising the entitlement

I have been thinking lately about children and the ways that they are raised. Are kids generally the same as they have always been, or is something changing? Sure I have already covered the topic of commercialism, but I really think that it is more than just that. How is it that many children always have their hands out, and where does it start? I really haven't had that occur yet with my toddler, now 15 months old. He doesn't really have the concept that when you go to the shops their is a toy section and their are plenty of fun things to buy. Sure I get a very upset little toddler if I go to the pantry and do not produce a biscuit, although I do not think that this is overindulgence, but more learning about nutrition and boundaries. On many occasions I have gone to my step-sons on the weekend, told them I am going to the shops and ask them if they would like to join me. My response from the older one each and every time is "can I get a toy?" When I explain that I am going for x,y and z, and no we were not toy shopping today, he always decides not to come. When one of them gets something (anything in fact), there is a massive song and dance unless the other is provided for also. Just yesterday I heard form my youngest step-child about the fact that my toddler had a part of a broken biscuit, and they did not.

Of course the way that I write this I make these children sound like horrible little humans, they are not. They are really quite lovely and often thoughtful children, with an intense feeling of self-entitlement. But what I am wondering is, how are we raising this in our children. This is not just something my step-sons exhibit, I have seen it time and time again in children, it seems to be more of the rule than the exception. Is it the over-indulgence of their every desire? Is it the merchandising paradise that is Christmas?

I am a bit nervous. We have my step-children for Christmas this year. Although I am really looking forward to that, I am nervous that our 'event' will not measure up to the Christmas that they get at home, and hence, they will not want to be with us for Christmas again. Times like this tend to become a kind of tally of how many gifts and for whom. They tear through their presents in a frenzy wondering if that is it. Not savouring any of them really. My husband keeps encouraging me to do what we feel is right, that it will be fine. I know that at the end of the day they are going to enjoy what they are given, but will this be spoilt by their sense of entitlement? It is so easy to go a spend an extra $200 to fill up their piles of gifts with useless garbage that will break the first time they use it, but I don't want to do that either. I would rather have a limited number of well manufactured, ethically produced quality toys.

I don't write this post because I am better than all the parents of these entitled children, I just don't want my children to become one of them. What I find hardest however, is trying to balance my own parenting between my own children, and my step-children. However this dilemma is for another post.

Touching on Elimination communication

As with any aspect of parenting, there are a range of perspectives that map your path. Toilet training is but one of these journeys a parent is to travel. Elimination communication (EC) is but one method that deals with a child's toileting needs. It is also known as Infant pottying.

I first heard of EC when reading a parenting magazine. At this point I discarded it as some 'weird hippy thing'. The article focused on a family that practiced attachment parenting, eating the placenta, baby-wearing and co-sleeping. I think I was pregnant at the time, and the thought of any sort of parenting method out of main stream was a little overwhelming. It was not until my baby was 5 months old that I read about it again. In this second magazine it had a much fairer representation. It was not clustered with many other alternative parenting methods that could otherwise overwhelm a new mum. This article gave just a little bit of information that would act to inform mainstream readers of a different way to raise kids. From reading this article, I turned to my trusty computer to find out some more information.

EC can start any time from birth onwards, although it is said that a child has several 'sensitive' periods where they are more likely to catch on to the method. I first 'unnappied' my baby at around 5 months of age to get a feel for his toileting patterns. This does not mean that I decided to let my baby pee all over the place and clean the floor in place of a nappy. It was at this time that he got nappy free time, time to air out his privates in the heat of summer. It was not for about 2 weeks that he wee'd in the potty. I was ecstatic, beside myself and convinced that it was a coincidence. It was from this point that we started catching more and more wees in the potty. By far my favourite however, is when we catch his poos; the clean-up is so much easier!

I think the biggest criticism of EC is 'forcing the poor babies to sit on the potty until they go'. I can tell you that not only is this against the very principles of EC, but it is nigh on impossible to do anyway. There is absolutely no way to MAKE a baby go to the toilet. The key purpose and and method of EC is COMMUNICATION, that is the communication to and by a baby about his or hers elimination needs.

To start off with it has a lot to do with in-tune parents and care-givers recognising and responding to a baby's sign of discomfort before they need to eliminate. Have you ever noticed how often very little babies wee as soon as their nappy is removed? This is their instinct before they are nappy trained. Once the carer has recognised the need to eliminate, they then offer an opportunity to eliminate (somewhere other than in a nappy). Many carers make a particular sound that the baby then recognises as an opportunity to eliminate. We used a 'sss' sound. Now this is not to say that the child will not still soil their nappy, it depends on the age of the child, the temperament of the child, the family environment etc. Some people go nappy free from birth, some are part-time nappy free.

It is a well known 'fact' that children are unable to control their elimination until well into their toddler years. I can tell you right now, babies can and do control their elimination to some extent. Our EC journey is very much swings and round-abouts. Sometimes we can go a day or two without nappies, others we don't have a single catch. The highlights for me are having my son respond to my communication, or initiate a communication from which I may respond. These may vary from wiggling in his high-chair, to passing me his potty, to an "oh ohhh" to refusing to let me put on a nappy when he needs to use the potty. I also enjoy the ease of cleaning a tiny bottom that has used a toilet to one that has squished a poo in a nappy.

No matter how you feel on this, or any other particular issue of parenting, I think it is valuable to understand differences between families and cultures. I know that the relationship that I have with my son is richer because of the interactions we have had over the toilet and potty.

Commercialisation of children.

I watched a documentary on the ABC a couple of weeks ago about the commercialisation of children. I mean we all know that it happens; just look at the novelty meal you get with your toy at many fast food outlets. The 'need it now' attitude is being woven through every aspect of our society, even beginning before birth. This documentary explored how scientists are using their knowledge to anayse our children to work out the best ways of manipulating them. They even put toddlers into MRI's to see what stimulus produces brain activity. Scientists watch our children watching TV, and as soon as they start to blink, they change what they are watching. I find this disturbing. So often over-indulgence and misbehaviour is thrown away as a parents inability to say no or control their children. But who is really controlling our children? Maybe these isolated sects have the right idea - well at least in as far as preventing commercialism from programming their children.

My own little boy is now 14 moths old. I have long held ideas about how I would like to raise my children. Of course it is so easy to say that up until he time that you actually have them. I still hold those beliefs and values, but that is much harder to stand by as you weave them into a larger society. He has two half-brothers and a cousin that are heavily commercialised. I can't plea innocence on this front though, I too am guilty of bowing to the pressure of Wiggles. but how much is too much? One child that I know right from toddlerdom was surrounded by Wiggles merchandise. Sure I can see the entertainment value; but where did it start. Did it start from the child staring at the tv when the Wiggles happened to be on, was he at a friends house, was a DVD purchased for him? After he did show an interest, what next? Did he continue to request only Wiggles stuff, or did someone notice that he liked them, and for the next 2 years every gift or item of clothing was Wiggles labelled?

My boy has this toy that he was given after another child no longer used it. It is a hokey pokey Elmo. You know the full size Elmo that sings and dances. He adores this Elmo, mummy does at times too. Thanks to Elmo, my son is not running around naked, as he sits and does the hokey pokey with Elmo as I dress him. He was also incidentally given an Elmo bath toy for his birthday. He has still not made this link between these two, but yesterday the game changed. He was sitting on my lap as I was flicking through a Best and Less catalogue. As I reached the women's pyjama page, he was pointing enthusiastically at one of the tops. He had spotted Elmo.

I have not as yet turned the television on for him. He has been exposed to a few children's movies in the company of his brothers, but has not really paid any attention to it. Although I am sure that the time will come where I do switch on the box for him, I'd really like to delay that moment for as long as possible.

On Love and motherhood

I have always known that I wanted to be a mum. From the time I was a very little girl and I received my Cabbage Patch doll. Didee Marie (my Cabbage Patch doll) went everywhere with me for quite a long time. She truly was my best friend. It was during this very special time that I shared with her that I developed my maternal skills, and practiced the care and nurturing of a fully dependent individual. Although this seems silly to say now. At the age of 2,3,4.....8 etc, it really felt like this to me. All my beautiful babies were nurtured with meticulous care. The loss or damage to one of my babies would leave a scar on my heart. I remember a time (no doubt my parents will too!) that one of my treasured toys was left 7 hours from my home at a hotel. I was insistent that that is where Red was. The hotel told my parents that they had cleaned the room and that nothing had been turned up. I don't know how much credit the average parent would give the average 7 year old about the care of their possessions; obviously we were not average. I was absolutely certain that he was at the hotel. With further questioning I told my parents that he was in my bed there. My dad again phoned the hotel and spoke to the manager. He personally went to inspect the room. As it turned out, Red had been folded into the back of the fold out sofa that I had slept on. The manager expressed posted him back to me, and I had him the following day.

I always thought that I knew what it would be like to be a mum. When these other feelings are so strong and overwhelming, surely that is what motherhood must be like. It was not until I fell pregnant that my feelings and appreciation for the deep emotion felt in motherhood began to change. My belly started to swell, and my dear baby grew larger. He started to move around, respond to my pokes. Being a teacher at the time, I was in awe that all the mothers of the children that I was teaching had been through this. I felt that I was being let into a secret that until then had been closely guarded. I worked with numerous other women at the time that were also in varying stages of their own pregnancies. I sat at a staff meeting one afternoon, watching the heavily pregnant teacher present to the staff. Being pregnant myself at the time, I was astounded that this teacher could stand up in front of us and not tell us all about how amazing and wonderful pregnancy is. With all that was going on inside me, I was swept up in the miracle and joy of it all.

Now I was blessed with a very healthy and comfortable pregnancy. I was fortunate enough to reach the end of my pregnancy still in good spirits, and not wishing it away. I remember treasuring every little kick, every bout of the hiccups (in bub). I practically lived with my video camera attached to me. I remember in the lead up to my little one's birth the frequent Dr's visits. There were concerns over the baby's size (we didn't know he was a boy at that stage). At every appointment we did an ultrasound and a size projection. At our final appointment he was projected to be 4.3kg give or take 500g (4.7kg as it turns out). A caeserian was booked. I was shattered. I was facing a grief that I had never know until this point. My Dr knew that it was really important to me to have a natural birth. He weighed the risks with me, and agreed to leave me until Friday (I was due Wednesday) to go into labour naturally and without intervention. It was on the eve of my due date that my husband first saw me cry. I cried for the loss of my right of passage to being a woman. I felt that I really couldn't be full woman without having birthed my child naturally. I really don't know where this expectation came from, but it was very strong in me. Now that I have had my child, I have come to realise that the method of his birth is not instrumental in my identity or value as a mother or woman. I take nothing away from those women, who for whatever reason, have their child in any other way. Being a mother is so much more than a baby's entry into the world. I do feel that I would have held a sense of loss had I not been able to give birth to him naturally, but I think that this would quickly have been overshadowed by holding my child in my arms.

One of the crowd

I think that when you became a parent a lot of things change. Not just the obvious stuff like being strapped to the house, and having to need a trailer for a day-trip, but also a lot of smaller hidden things. I was reading in a magazine the other day that pregnancy is the never-never land between being single and being a parent. It is now that I am a mum I appreciate this analogy. In pregnancy you can't do all that your single friends are doing, yet you don't really get your parent friends either. You are already responsible for taking care of a little life, although it is much easier to leave the house at this point. I think that as a single person your anxieties of going to parties or get-togethers and fitting in are fairly standard, but as a parent (especially of a toddler) the outlook in such situations is very different. No-longer is the focus on whether you will be standing alone in the corner, or being the only single person. It is about your style of parenting

As a stay at home mum, I have the opportunity to be involved in a vast range of different gatherings involving grown-ups and little people. Be it swimming lessons, mother's groups, kindergym or playgroup etc they are all fraught with similar social dangers. This danger starts before you even leave the house. What is my child (and I) going to wear? Seems like a simple choice doesn't it? Not really. I think the answer here has some to do with your parenting style, and some to do with the group. Now most of these gatherings that I am talking about are relatively low-impact social occasions so that the kids can socialise and the parents can rationalise (or gloat) about their child's latest crazy (or amazing) behaviour. But what to wear? Well for me the answer is not usually dressy vs casual, but comfort vs function. As cute as those little jeans look, I really feel that a nice warm pair of tracky dacks (sweatpants) would be better for my little man to wear after his swimming lessons.

I think some of these social dangers shift depending on what stage of the relationship your particular group is at. I have a really wonderful mother's group. We have all meshed really well, and have since taken in a new mum who had no group to join. Our babies range from 11 months through to 15 months. Our group has been together since my little guy was 6 weeks old (now 13 months). We have really grown to learn each others' personality and parenting style. Although my parenting often leans towards an Attachment Parenting style, I really feel that my mother's group is open to and respective of my input and choices. To that I am truly grateful. There are often times that I pursue lines of inquiry with them to find where parenting feels comfortable for me. Although there is quite a range of parenting styles within our group, I would feel quite comfortable to leave my darling man with any one of them to look after. It was to these friends that I turned when I needed to attend the funeral (see last post). Thanks for your support guys.

There are other times when I meet with other groups of people that the anxieties are different. Where I find that these anxieties arise is from different starting points in the group. In one group the members have known each other for vastly different amounts of time. In others we have a common interest although have varied backgrounds. I enjoy each of the groups in which I belong for a variety of reasons. Just as I like my mother's group for it's safety, I like another for its ability to push me beyond my comfort zone, and yet another for exploring different aspects of my own parenting style. I like the way that each and every group that I belong allows me to develop my acceptance and understanding. I admit that at times I have made social blunders (sorry Jason) although it is through these experiences that I grow both as a mother, and a person. I have gone through various stages already with my parenting, and I have no doubt that I will go through many more. It is in my role as a mum however, that I have taken greater check of myself as a person. What really matters to me? What do I value? How can I make a more positive impact on this world. I am no longer just an individual, nor am I just a mother. I am a person who has the power to value, and to use these values to change herself, her family and her environment.

The Darkest hour

I went to my friend's baby's funeral yesterday. It was as you would expect, a lot of really overwhelmed and sad people, trying to withhold their grief. There were a lot of pairs of sunglasses being worn, a lot of men looking to the roof, wishing away their tears. It was a beautiful service. Bubbles being blown as the baby and her family entered the chapel. There were certain elements of the service that made it harder for one to contain their emotion. The overwhelming flow of pink in the audience, the bubbles, the butterflies and that little angel teddy bear that one of the grief stricken friends brought along. I particularly struggled as a lullaby was played. I know it well, how many times I have tried to rock my own little angel to sleep to that very tune. The chaplain did a wonderful job. He was clearly affected by this child's passing, but even as a non-religious person myself, I was moved by his words. We all stopped at one point to pray for the god-parents of this child, who could not make it whilst waiting for the imminent birth of their own child. Amazing strength that was shown by family and friends who shared their memories and poems with us. Daddy stepped up to talk about his little princess.

I was fortunate enough to be thought of as a close friend, and invited to the private gathering at the family home. There were a lot of family and close friends there. It was there that I took the first step towards getting to know this little girl. Photo walls had been carefully created to share the wonderful but short life of this little girl. This family, in their darkest hour, could mingle and laugh about stories of their child lost. Even think enough to ask to see photos of my own son. It is this strength that carries me forward in appreciation of every breath I take. As I look into my own child's eyes, I take him in as if it will be the last time. Cherishing the moment.

I find it amazing that such a small child could make such a massive impact on the world. I only had the pleasure of meeting this little princess once. I think that explains my grief. I will never get the chance to truly know this precious child. It is a part of this special family that I cannot now share and understand. I hope in time, they will be able to share their baby with me. I enjoyed watching her brother and sister grow and develop until life took hold, and made us all too busy. I have decided though, that is enough of the too busy stuff. Yes relationships are a two way thing, but they are also too important to let them slide simply because life takes over. I have decided to reconnect with all these friends that I have lost contact with simply because we got too busy. I want to make any future cessation of a relationship a choice rather than a by-product.

Welcome to the naughties.

Wow, I remember being a teenager and having an understanding of all this technology stuff. It is now, in 2009 that I am launching into a new revolution that is blogging. I have just started my way through the great downunder nappy hunt and noticed that this year just about every site has a twitter and a facebook link, and often a blog spot link too. Thanks Jas for initiating me to Facebook.

Well a little about me now. I am a married mother of 1 boy (13 months), and step-mother to 2 boys (5 and nearly 7). I live in Western Australia. I guess what inspired me to start this blog is to share the experiences of and journey that is parenthood. I spend many hours reading and surfing to find information that will help me to be a better mother and wife. My goal is to raise happy and well adjusted children, while maintaining some sanity for myself and my husband as well. It is not always an easy journey, but it is a journey after all. It seems that when you sleep in one morning (yeah right!) that you wake to find that you baby is another centimetre longer, and has a whole new skill set that he wishes to demonstrate. Of course this is something your mother always told you, but what would she know! As a kid I remember my mum always kissing me all the time, I would have to swat her off to get some space for myself. I fear that my son is now suffering a similar fate.

The headline of the West Australian today was "I could not protect my children". It was the story of two children who were allegedly killed in a murder suicide by the father when the car they were traveling in slammed into a tree. Apparently there was a custody dispute and the mother did not feel that the father was of sound mind. I couldn't imagine the pain that their poor mother must be feeling, although I also feel for the pain of their father that would take him to such a horrible place. There seems to be more of these stories making the press lately. Obviously there is something in our system that is breaking down, although it is a very tough one to try and fix. Family breakdown is becoming more and more prevalent these days. Many more children are involved in blended and step-family relationships, but more on this another day.

It is in times of tragedy that you truly realise how blessed you are. I recently heard of a friend's personal tragedy at the loss of her 1 year old daughter. It is times like this that have you hold your own children just a little bit closer. I cannot imagine how to survive after suffering through such an experience. How do you explain this to two other small children, while still trying to come to grips with it yourself. My friend, my heart and love and hope goes out to you and your family. If there is anything that I can do to make your journey easier, only say the word and I will be there.